22.10.14

10 weird people I've worked with

The 'crazy bananas' reference in my post here got me thinking about all the weird and wonderful people I've worked with over the years. There are MANY. For now, I've picked the ten that first came to mind. This may end up being a two or three (or ninety seven) parter. 

This is a controversial post, I know. I won't mention names as these people may be able to recognise themselves if they ever take a wrong turn on Google and come across my little patch of internet. 

1. The 'crazy bananas' guy. He was just...odd. He insisted he spoke French, and insisted on taking most of the French calls at the place we worked, but his French was crummy to say the least. I don't speak French, and it knew it was wrong. He would also repeatedly ask customers for "the sex of the infant", which is the most disturbing and aggressively clinical way I've ever heard anyone phrase the question "is your baby a boy or a girl?". He also claimed to have invented and coined a term for a sex act so revolting I can't even bear to think about it, let alone type it out. 

2. At the same place, there was also the woman who had a worryingly extensive Winnie the Pooh obsession. Winnie mugs, little toys all over her desk, key rings, car seat and steering wheel covers in her car...you get the picture. My friend Alice and I kidnapped one of the small Winnie toys and constructed a 'Winnie's Crib of Crack and Hoes' out of a mini Jenga set, assorted rubbish items and some bear-shaped chewable vitamins. It's probably best not to ask. She was in good company, though, as the woman she sat next to had an enormous Eeyore obsession. The Winnie lover also had a habit of giving inappropriately generous birthday gifts. She bought me a spangly dress for my birthday. I barely knew her. Obviously I was grateful, but I just didn't know how to react. I didn't even know when her birthday was. The dress didn't fit (and was hideous). Alice and I had to go to Next before work every day for a week to find things to exchange it for. And I have a real problem with Next. Don't get me started on Next... 

3. That place was also home to the guy who did the least work I've ever seen. Once, he took a call from a customer, came to talk to me about whatever it was the customer needed, went to the toilet, came back to talk to me some more, and then went back to his desk. I assumed he was going to call the customer back, until he picked up the phone and said "yeah, so it's gonna cost you an extra £50..." - he'd kept them on hold the whole time. This was made weirder when, years after I worked with him, I spotted him as an extra on a popular TV show. Random. 

4. Another employee of the same place (it's a wonder they're still in business with some of the people they hire) was not so much weird, but easily the dumbest girl I've ever met. She would tell customers we didn't sell products that we did, and hang up on them, because she just didn't understand their requests. My favourite part was when she announced with amazement that she had just discovered that Corsica, a place we referenced a lot in our line of work, was a country! In a tone that suggested we wouldn't know this! Just...no. Not a country. And yes, we all knew it was a place, not just a made-up word we all said a lot for no reason. 

5. Moving on from that particular job (though I could fill an entire page), there was the boss who insisted on reading every email I wrote before I sent it. I was 24, had been working for quite a while, and had two university degrees. And the extent of my job was to send out meeting agendas and minutes. Micromanagement doesn't even begin to cover it. 

6. The (albeit nice) guy who frequently showed me his Plenty of Fish search results. Which mostly consisted of women whose profile pictures were naked crotch shots. 

7. The guy I managed who went crazy, tried to burn down the building we worked in, and had to be sectioned. I've tried to block out most of that. 

8. The couple I worked for in my first job. He was disgusting. He would frantically scratch at his eczema-covered legs then, without washing his hands, return to his job in food preparation. He also stole all our tips, leaving IOUs in place of our money. And his wife would frequently get us waitresses to take their screaming snotty kid for a walk in his pushchair. And they made us clean toilets. And I'm pretty sure they weren't paying any kind of tax or National Insurance for any of their staff. Plus they hired me illegally.  

9. The Canadian lady I worked with in the baby room of a nursery, who would refer to all the plastic animals as "a replica of". "Look, Timmy, a replica of a horse!", "Jamie has a replica of a sheep!", "can you see the replica of a cow?!". I mean, I know they're babies, but let's give them some credit here. I'm pretty sure they're cognisant of the fact that these aren't ACTUAL cows and sheep and horses. 

10. Screw it, I'm going back to the first place for number 10. Not so much weird colleagues, but 'don't have a clue' managers. Who starts a meeting with a group of all student, summer employees with the words "I don't like employing students"? You can guess how well that went down. Management fail. 

No comments:

Post a Comment