7.12.14

Boredom

I am bored. 

There - I said it. I am so, unbelievably bored. My life is boring. My job is boring. I am bored of London. I am bored. 

I was talking to Matt earlier and it just hit me. I've always taken the safe option, done the 'normal' thing, taken the least risky path and played it safe. Why? 

Growing up, I was...pretty uninspired. My parents had good, normal jobs - my mum was a teacher and my dad a Civil Engineer - and we had a nice, normal life. I grew up on a housing estate that was nice, middle class and suburban, and everyone had nice normal jobs and nice normal lives. And, obviously, the same was expected of me. 

But no one ever talked about creativity or dreams in my house. I grew up knowing that I'd work in an office or a school or a hospital. Sure, I knew that some people were actresses, or writers or make-up artists, but they weren't people like us. That sort of life was too risky, too unstable, too...different. 

I chose A levels and a degree based on what I was good at and what was considered acceptable. I considered careers that were stable and secure. It was the sensible thing to do. 

But I never thought, like really thought, about what I wanted to be or what sort of life I wanted to have. Did I want to work inside or outside? Did I want a 9-5 job or something a little more unusual? Did I have any creative interests or talents that I could explore? 

If I'm honest, I still haven't thought about the answers to these questions. But I've decided I'm going to. 

Yes, it might just lead me to staying exactly where I am, but I'm still going to think about it. Because something has to change. I think I've been so focused on wanting to get married and have a baby because I don't have anything else to focus on. No dream to follow, no creative impulse to pursue. And if there was ever a really, truly awful reason to do those things, it's got to be boredom. 

So I'm going to force myself to face the boredom and explore what it is that's really making me feel bored and how I can change that. 

Watch this space. 


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